Responsibility

Scott recently talked about how we are responsible to but not responsible for people. This can be a hard concept. For example, Scott and I are responsible to Kaiya and Abrea by getting them to bed at a decent time (although we don't always succeed at this). We are not responsible for how quickly they fall asleep though. We can't control that. We can't be responsible for it. We can only be responsible to them by giving them the opportunity to have a good night's sleep.
When I work at the coffee shop, I am responsible to the customer - to provide quality ingredients, to follow the recipes, to charge the correct amount. I can do my best to provide a quality environment. I am not responsible for how they like/dislike their drink or food. I am not responsible for what they think about the shop. I am not responsible if they spill all their food (although I can make the choice to replace their food in order to show kindness).
I find freedom in the idea that I am only responsible to others and not responsible for others. I don't have to carry the burden of whether the lives of others are successful, fulfilled, happy or not.
Now, if I can just live that out....

Fear of the broken

Ever since our downstairs toilet flooded, Abrea has not wanted to use that bathroom.  Last Friday the sink broke in one of the bathrooms at the coffee shop.  Abrea has not wanted to use that bathroom since.  I've tried to convince her they are both okay, but she is afraid.  Maybe she is scared that something bad will happen while she is in them.  I'm not really sure why, but she is afraid of the broken.  My natural instincts say get over it.

Do I get over it?  How often do I fear the broken?  The broken situation?  The broken person?  Do I avoid the broken because I'm scared?  Scared that I will become broken?  Scared that it will break more if I'm there?  

I don't want my child to live in fear, but am I setting the right example?

People pleaser

So, Scott talked about people pleasers on Sunday. Although he wasn't only preaching to me, I know that I provide a lot of material for him on the subject. Scott talked about the fact that we will fail at being pleasers but that's okay. I know I fail at being a pleaser, but it is very hard to accept that it's okay. I know I won't be able to succeed, but somehow accepting failure isn't easy. In some ways it feels like quitting. Scott mentioned a freedom coming in acknowledging and accepting our inability to please. It reminds me of bike riding.
This past summer we took the training wheels off Kaiya's bike. She was quite happy to have them on even though they were breaking and it was really difficult to ride her bike. When the training wheels were removed, she fell down and crashed and cried. She didn't want to keep trying. She was failing, and it did not feel okay. Somehow we convinced (or maybe just forced) her to keep trying. Eventually, she realized it was okay if she fell or was wobbly. Her confidence grew and she learned how to manage her bike without training wheels. She found a new freedom in pedaling hard and fast down the sidewalk. She will probably crash again sometime in her life, but that's okay. She has the freedom of riding her bike.
I now have the challenge of finding freedom in accepting that it's okay not to please. I don't really know what that looks like yet, but I hope I can learn it soon.

Busy

This Sunday Scott talked about how busy we are as people. I understood what he talked about because I feel like our lives are extremely busy. I wonder how much of my "busyness" comes from growing older, my lifestyle (job/family), or being married to someone who I affectionately refer to as the energizer bunny. Scott has the ability to keep going and going and going. Although I have many things that vie for my time, I am the one responsible for what I choose to do and how I feel about it.

On Tuesday evening (after a long day of doing things I hadn't planned when I woke up that morning) I decided to rest. I really struggled with feeling guilty. I could visibly see the many things I needed to be doing (i.e. the floor really needed to vacuumed and swept), yet I told myself that relaxing was okay. I don't know if I really convinced myself, but I didn't do any of the things swirling in my mind to do. I still need to work on not feeling guilty when I relax.

Somehow this week got fuller by the minute. I kept adding more things to my schedule. This afternoon as I looked at my weary children, I felt plagued by guilt. Our girls are extremely flexible most of the time, so it is easy to keep dragging them from one thing to the next without stopping. It makes me realize that I have a lot to work on when it comes to "busy".

Presentation

I have moments when I feel quite content with whom I am and wonder about the idea of a sinful nature because I feel like I am just fine. How misguided I can be! Then, there are other moments when all I see are the negative, ugly parts of me. Those parts I often try to disguise and hide from other people and even from myself. Why is it so difficult to truly be ourselves – the good and the bad? Why do we feel such pressure to present some perfect version of ourselves? No one is perfect, so why do we often feel we are the only ones who have so many faults? On the flip side it is really easy to make ourselves into something better than we really are and then cast judgement on others.

I want to be honest with myself about who I really am - looking at my faults and my gifts. If I can be honest with myself, then I can work on being honest with others.

Speaking

I often find myself planning conversations in my head, anticipating what someone's reactions will be and what he/she will say. I've never had a conversation that went just like I anticipated though.

I find myself questioning what things I should and should not say. Is ALL truth worth saying? The truth hurts sometimes. Am I a jerk for saying the truth even when it hurts? Or am I a bigger jerk to let the truth go unknown?

I wish I could always say the right things at the right moments. I wish that I could always speak every word out of love and compassion. The truth is that I don't always say the right things and that I don't always speak out of love.

My desire is that I would get better in this though. I desire to speak the truth out of love.